I got a phone call from my brother the other day. He called me at one of those "You must read minds" times, when I really needed someone to talk to. I was feeling upset, and had a good vent session where I told him everything I was going through, my feelings, and all the problems in my life. Poor guy. He's fairly ill-equipped to deal with my emotions. I realized this before I even started talking. I also knew that the older he gets, the more he becomes like my dad. Although this sometimes annoys me, on the phone that day, it turned out to be exactly what I needed.
My family are not exactly the most emotionally open people in the universe. And when somebody is, we're not quite sure how to deal with it. On the phone, my brother mostly just made a lot of jokes and changed the subject. At first, this was annoying, like talking to a brick wall, but the conversation soon fell into a predictable rhythm. This kind of counselling was strangely comforting to me, probably because it was so familiar. Soon, I was laughing and enjoying the conversation. My family may be emotionally dense, but we are actually very funny people.
These character traits make us lots of fun at parties, but they are not always popular when it comes to very close, long term relationships. I mean the type of relationships where people start to expect more. I've had people try to drag the emotion out of me. They seem to think they can "crack this egg", and get to all the ooey gooey emotions inside. What they don't realize is that it's not an egg, it's a rock. You would have to work pretty hard to split this open, but if you did, you would find more of the same. Solid. The same all the way through. We are loyal. We are brave. We are dependable. We actually love very deeply, but affection or other poetic expressions of love are not our strong suit.
When I learned that not everybody is like this, I spent a long time believing I was the screw up. I met a lot of people who seemed more loving, more open, better able to relate to others, and often I felt this was superior to the way I was. I thought I must be the one who grew up maladjusted. I didn't know what they got from their family to make them so different, but whatever it was, it must have been better than what I got from mine.
I don't believe this anymore. My life has been a journey of learning to accept myself, my past, and my limitations. Not just accept it, but love it. I think there is a part of ourselves that we can't change, and the only way we can grow is to embrace who we are.
A pick up truck will never be a ferrari. No matter how much it may look longingly at ferraris and wish it could be fast and sleek and take sharp turns in the Italian country side. It will never happen. What it needs to do, is learn what pick up trucks are for, and do pick up truck things to the best of it's ability. It needs to learn to love being a pick up truck.
Likewise, for those of you who don't relate to trucks, I will say that a Volkswagen van will never be anything but a Volkswagen van. It will probably break down, need hard to find parts, spew out black smoke and refuse to start in the winter. But no one can deny that those VW's have a certain charm about them. Those who love them will go to great lengths to maintain them.
I have a new found appreciation for who I am, and rather than trying to change it, I am going to step into it. I think this might actually revolutionize my life. I will no longer be vulnerable to accusations of "You're just like your family!" I am. I admit it. My brother was not trying to show callous indifference on the phone. In fact, it was just the opposite. He was trying to lighten the mood, to make me feel better the only way he knew how, through sarcasm, witty comments and ridiculous jokes. How could I expect anything else from him? If I can love my brother, and all his limitations, then I can do the same for myself. I may have the emotional depth of a coconut, but I am smart, entertaining and resourceful. I may not be perfect, but I don`t have to be. All I have to be is myself, and I am not only happy to do so, I'm pretty good at it.
