Saturday
I started spotting on Saturday. At first I told myself that it was normal, and spotting can happen in pregnancy (again with my power of positive thinking campaign). But, the truth is I had lost my cool. My husband and I had been arguing, and it turned into a screaming match. Unfortunately, this is not unusual for us, but this was a bad one. We disagree on some key elements of where our life is heading. In the end, he drove off in his truck, and I threw myself on the bed, crying and feeling very stressed out. Within an hour, I started spotting.
It was time for me to go to work. Before I left, I told my husband (who was back and had calmed down and apologized) that I was spotting. He asked if this was an emergency, and if I should stay home from work. I said that it could be normal, but if I was miscarrying there was nothing I could do to stop it. My job is not strenuous at all, instead it takes a still, calm concentration. At work I went to the bathroom every hour to check on what was happening. No change. Just the slightest bit of pink discharge.
When I got home I looked up spotting in early pregnancy. I learned that 20% of pregnancies experience spotting early on, and that it's not necessarily a bad thing. There are a few reasons why this could happen. First, the uterine wall (endometrium) builds up a think layer of red blood cells, and as the blastocyst implants, some blood is released. (The blastocyst is what the growing collection of cells is called at this stage. It is comprised of a bunch of cells which become the fetus inside a layer of cells which become the placenta. It is about the size of a lentil) So, apparently this can come with some crampy pain in the abdomen or lower back. But, I read that spotting is also how miscarriage starts. If the show is pink or brown, that is a good thing, but if it turns bright red or gets very heavy or you pass clots, that is cause for concern.
Sunday
Nothing had changed by morning, still the same light pink show. By Sunday afternoon it had started to turn a bright red, so I called my friend Natalie, a traditional birth attendant who at been present at my younger daughter's home birth. I told her about the spotting, and about how it was starting to turn bright red. I asked her if there was anything I could do to stop it, if I was miscarrying. She said "You shouldn't." She said trust your body, your body knows what to do. I asked her if bed rest would help. She said not unless I had been doing something particularly strenuous (I hadn't). She said if it turns out to be a miscarriage, then I should drink some strong red raspberry leaf tea, to help my uterus flush out what it needs to and return to it's pre-pregnancy state. After our chat, I felt fairly at peace, but by that evening, my calm, centered, positive thinking self had flown out the window. The bleeding was increasing , and I started passing small clots. I called my good friend Jo, and told her everything. I cried on the phone about how unfair it all was. We talked for a long time, about miscarriages, and how many women we knew that had had one, about pregnancy and giving birth and what we want for our lives. A few days earlier, I could sense the presence of another soul within me, the air was charged with a kind of energy, there was an excitement about the baby, and everything felt very magical. Now, I could no longer sense that presence. I wasn't sure if my mind was playing tricks on me, if fear was taking over, but I could feel that my baby was gone. I fell asleep in a deep state of despair.
Monday
When I woke up, my stomach felt squishy, where before it was hard. I stayed in bed all day. There was plenty more bleeding, and I passed a fairly large bit of tissue. All day I had intermittent cramping and pain. I spent a lot of time crying. My husband, Brian, spent some time with me, we just laid there in silence for a good long time. Sometimes I would cry, and other times he just rubbed my back, and sometimes I would get that pain coming again, and I was glad to have someone there with me. My mom came to visit. We thoroughly disagree on how a miscarriage should be dealt with, because she kept saying that I should "go in", or call the doctor or something. I just told her there's nothing they can do, and told her what my midwife had said. "Your body knows what to do. Just trust your body and let it happen." Brian told the kids I lost the baby. Ocean, my four year old daughter, was asking me questions about it last night. Ocean asked "You lost the baby at work, mom?" I said no, that the baby wasn't growing right, and my body flushed it out. "So, was the baby's head small and the body big?" I said no, the baby didn't attach properly to the womb. "So it got flushed out when you peed?" No, I said. The blood came and the baby got washed out in the blood. "The blood?" (She looked horrified) I said it's the same blood women get when they have their period. She said she didn't know what a period was (even though I know I've told her). So, I said the blood comes every month and washes out the uterus if there's no baby growing there. I had to explain (again) that the blood comes out the vagina, and not the belly button. Ocean was very grown up about the whole thing. She said she was sorry that happened, and that she could tell I was sad. She said she had wanted to see the baby. I said "Me too." She gave me plenty of hugs.
One of the things I really wanted to experience in this pregnancy is a connection to women, past and present, a bonding through shared experience. Throughout history, women get pregnant, women give birth, women breast feed. This is our ancient connection to the earth. The experience of loss is something we share as well. We hurt. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. And through that we can be connected as well.
I am left with a feeling of not knowing what happens now. Will my body go back to the way it was before? Will my cycles align themselves with the full moon, as they were before I got pregnant? How long will I hurt? How long will I mourn? Will the same soul come to me again, should we decide to try again? Or has that soul moved on from me forever? I have so many unanswered questions. I guess this, too, is the experience of motherhood. I knew that motherhood would burn an imprint deep into my heart, but I never thought it would feel like this.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Healthy Moms Grow Healthy Babies
I still haven't taken a pregnancy test, but I am certain I am pregnant. My body has given me several signals that this is the case. First, my period is nine days late, when they are usually very regular. This puts me at 5 weeks along. Although in the past I didn't wear maternity pants till the end of the first trimester, I am already having to unbutton my jeans when I sit down. I am finding it increasingly uncomfortable to sleep on my stomach. My womb is definitely growing.
Apart from that, I feel great! I'm not terribly tired or nauseous, which I experienced a lot with my other two pregnancies. The reality of what my body is going through is setting in, and I am taking steps to be as healthy as I can. Not only do healthy moms grow healthy babies, but they have an easier time with birth and recovery. So I am eating whole foods, with lots of raw fruit and veggies, and lots of lettuce. The raw fruit and veggies are good for vitamins, antioxidants and fiber, while the lettuce is for folic acid, which is present in all prenatal vitamins. I intend to start using flax seed oil in my salad dressing, which will provide the essential fatty acids that babies need for brain development. I don't believe in taking synthesized supplements. I think that if we eat mindfully, we should be able to get all of our nutritional requirements from food.
Throughout pregnancy, birth, parenting and life, a woman's mind is her most powerful tool. I find that especially in pregnancy, our minds can run away with us. We often get worried or fearful, or stuck in patterns of negative thinking. This takes it's toll on our bodies and can be a hindrance for birth. This characteristic is present in all mammals. When an animal is in labor, if she senses a dangerous situation and feels fearful, her birthing hormones stop and adrenaline is releases which stops labor and allows her to flee the dangerous situation. This is behind many instances where woman have been labeled with failure to progress. Whether the factors causing fear, worry or stress are real or perceived, their bodies are doing what they have been designed by Nature to do as a survival mechanism.
This is one of the reasons why, in my effort to be as healthy as I can be, I am paying close attention to my thoughts. If I can keep my thoughts positive during my pregnancy, it will be much easier to keep positive thoughts during labor. I also believe that, to some extent, our thoughts create our reality. Women's bodies are perfectly designed to birth their babies. Our bodies are not defective, or incapable of doing what nature intended. When I give birth, I am doing what women have been doing throughout human existence. I am strong, healthy and knowledgeable enough to listen to my body's signals and birth my child naturally and easily. Any thought that suggests otherwise is simply not welcome.
So, this is my approach to holistic health during pregnancy, and I think it works for the rest of the seasons in our lives as well. I recently read the statement that you are your own primary health care provider, meaning that we are each responsible for our own health. We can't expect someone else to do that for us. I made myself a little list of things to do while I'm pregnant:
1) eat well
2) exercise
3) rest
4) keep your thoughts positive
Doesn't sound that hard, does it?
Apart from that, I feel great! I'm not terribly tired or nauseous, which I experienced a lot with my other two pregnancies. The reality of what my body is going through is setting in, and I am taking steps to be as healthy as I can. Not only do healthy moms grow healthy babies, but they have an easier time with birth and recovery. So I am eating whole foods, with lots of raw fruit and veggies, and lots of lettuce. The raw fruit and veggies are good for vitamins, antioxidants and fiber, while the lettuce is for folic acid, which is present in all prenatal vitamins. I intend to start using flax seed oil in my salad dressing, which will provide the essential fatty acids that babies need for brain development. I don't believe in taking synthesized supplements. I think that if we eat mindfully, we should be able to get all of our nutritional requirements from food.
Throughout pregnancy, birth, parenting and life, a woman's mind is her most powerful tool. I find that especially in pregnancy, our minds can run away with us. We often get worried or fearful, or stuck in patterns of negative thinking. This takes it's toll on our bodies and can be a hindrance for birth. This characteristic is present in all mammals. When an animal is in labor, if she senses a dangerous situation and feels fearful, her birthing hormones stop and adrenaline is releases which stops labor and allows her to flee the dangerous situation. This is behind many instances where woman have been labeled with failure to progress. Whether the factors causing fear, worry or stress are real or perceived, their bodies are doing what they have been designed by Nature to do as a survival mechanism.
This is one of the reasons why, in my effort to be as healthy as I can be, I am paying close attention to my thoughts. If I can keep my thoughts positive during my pregnancy, it will be much easier to keep positive thoughts during labor. I also believe that, to some extent, our thoughts create our reality. Women's bodies are perfectly designed to birth their babies. Our bodies are not defective, or incapable of doing what nature intended. When I give birth, I am doing what women have been doing throughout human existence. I am strong, healthy and knowledgeable enough to listen to my body's signals and birth my child naturally and easily. Any thought that suggests otherwise is simply not welcome.
So, this is my approach to holistic health during pregnancy, and I think it works for the rest of the seasons in our lives as well. I recently read the statement that you are your own primary health care provider, meaning that we are each responsible for our own health. We can't expect someone else to do that for us. I made myself a little list of things to do while I'm pregnant:
1) eat well
2) exercise
3) rest
4) keep your thoughts positive
Doesn't sound that hard, does it?
Sunday, November 21, 2010
The Real Test: Waiting on Nature
"I'm pregnant". Well, that's not entirely true. I think I might be pregnant. Only time will tell.
Of course, nowadays we have access to twenty-four hour drug stores where, for $6.99, I can pick up a test that will allow me to make this definitive statement. All I need to do is pee and wait two minutes. Instant results.
Just like Nature, right? Women have been peeing on sticks to test their pregnancy for thousands of years, right? No? Then how on earth did the mama's of old find out they were pregnant? Hmmmm... Maybe they had no way of knowing. Maybe they were all in the same situation as those women on the TV show "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant". I doubt it. In many cultures through out history, women were taught the art of listening to their bodies. Information on how to read the signs was passed down from generation to generation. Women's bodies were treated with reverence. It was understood that time would reveal.
Today's culture seems fixated on instant results. Technological development has given us instant messaging, instant coffee and instant breakfasts. We don't even have to wait till we get home to make a phone call, or check our email.
So in these days of fast solutions, why on earth would anyone want to wait? Remember that reverence I was talking about? Remember how the ancients were adept at listening to their body's signals? To me this is an exercise in patience, but it's not just about character development. It's about waiting for Nature to take it's course. It's about becoming comfortable with the Nature's timing. Anyone who's been through pregnancy before would probably agree that the birth process involves a lot of waiting. The process of natural birth is quite contrary to our modern instant culture. It clashes. And those who are so used to the speed of modern life often have trouble slowing down, and waiting for the birth process to unfold in it's own due time.
This is where technologicalized birth comes in to play. We are tired of waiting. We decide it is time for labor to start, and we induce. Then we decide that labor is not progressing fast enough for our tastes, and we augment with synthesized hormones. Then we think surely the water should have broken by now, so we decide it is time to break the bag of waters. Then we start to push, but the decent seems slow from our perspective, so we grab for the vacuum suction, and oh, this is taking too long. We pop in the forceps, grab the baby by the head, and pull it out.
And all because the baby wasn't delivered as fast as your food on your last trip to McDonalds. All because we have forgotten how to wait. The first thing just about every woman does when she suspects she is pregnant is take a test. It is the first example of women turning to technology for answers that their body would give them eventually if they would only wait and listen to their bodies. To me the whole process of waiting to find out is exciting. It's like reading a suspense novel as opposed to just flipping to the end. Am I pregnant or am I not? I guess I'll wait and see.
Of course, nowadays we have access to twenty-four hour drug stores where, for $6.99, I can pick up a test that will allow me to make this definitive statement. All I need to do is pee and wait two minutes. Instant results.
Just like Nature, right? Women have been peeing on sticks to test their pregnancy for thousands of years, right? No? Then how on earth did the mama's of old find out they were pregnant? Hmmmm... Maybe they had no way of knowing. Maybe they were all in the same situation as those women on the TV show "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant". I doubt it. In many cultures through out history, women were taught the art of listening to their bodies. Information on how to read the signs was passed down from generation to generation. Women's bodies were treated with reverence. It was understood that time would reveal.
Today's culture seems fixated on instant results. Technological development has given us instant messaging, instant coffee and instant breakfasts. We don't even have to wait till we get home to make a phone call, or check our email.
So in these days of fast solutions, why on earth would anyone want to wait? Remember that reverence I was talking about? Remember how the ancients were adept at listening to their body's signals? To me this is an exercise in patience, but it's not just about character development. It's about waiting for Nature to take it's course. It's about becoming comfortable with the Nature's timing. Anyone who's been through pregnancy before would probably agree that the birth process involves a lot of waiting. The process of natural birth is quite contrary to our modern instant culture. It clashes. And those who are so used to the speed of modern life often have trouble slowing down, and waiting for the birth process to unfold in it's own due time.
This is where technologicalized birth comes in to play. We are tired of waiting. We decide it is time for labor to start, and we induce. Then we decide that labor is not progressing fast enough for our tastes, and we augment with synthesized hormones. Then we think surely the water should have broken by now, so we decide it is time to break the bag of waters. Then we start to push, but the decent seems slow from our perspective, so we grab for the vacuum suction, and oh, this is taking too long. We pop in the forceps, grab the baby by the head, and pull it out.
And all because the baby wasn't delivered as fast as your food on your last trip to McDonalds. All because we have forgotten how to wait. The first thing just about every woman does when she suspects she is pregnant is take a test. It is the first example of women turning to technology for answers that their body would give them eventually if they would only wait and listen to their bodies. To me the whole process of waiting to find out is exciting. It's like reading a suspense novel as opposed to just flipping to the end. Am I pregnant or am I not? I guess I'll wait and see.
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