There are some things that we keep hidden, not allowing them into the light. It may be due to fear that something bad will happen if we do, or possibly that some of our power might be gone if we share our experiences. I wonder sometimes if we are afraid to give power away to others, thinking that will make us less powerful.
I have had some very intense and strangely symbolic dreams. In the past, telling some of my more poignant dreams has been met with some hostility and caused rifts to be formed among friends. One dream, which I have never shared with anyone except my husband, occured when I was 23 years old. I think I never shared it because to me it was special, a small secret holding some power as long as it was mine. At the time, I felt so much had been taken from me, an innocence stolen that I would never regain. Although I fought hard against it, the heartache caused me to close up, build walls, go into isolation in a way. So I kept this dream to myself, my own little light under a bushel, and now I am 31. It has been 8 years.
In the dream I was with a crowd of people, some my age, some younger, and we were all together in this tiny house, and we were trapped. Outside was a dinosaur, like a tyranosaurus rex, gnashing his teeth, trying to stick his head in the windows. Everybody was afraid that he would make a meal out of us. That's when I found an ax and chopped a hole in the ceiling. I climbed up into the attic and started helping others do the same. Eventually, we were able to get up on the roof and get free, and as I woke up from this dream, I heard a voice, clear as day, singing "If that was true you never should have entered seventeen."
At the time, I wasn't even aware that I had "entered seventeen" or even that such a thing were possible. This was all news to me! I laugh about it now. The whole thing seems so bizzare, but still, some of the mystery remains. What could it all mean? For years I kept the dream hidden, maybe for fear that it would be seen as an ego trip. Maybe because of the anger I felt at the world for having stolen my innocence, my happiness, my peace and comfort, not to mention having almost ruined my marriage. I won't get into the messiness of all that, as it's almost too scary to mention, and not really a pertinant part of the story.
Jump ahead several years, after years of "workin' for the man", letting them control my schedule and affect my parenting, relationships and liesure. I quit my job last August, and I cashed out my pension. My RRSP was $17,000, and I had to go to the bank to cash it. And like any trip to the bank, it was almost hell on earth. (who can attest?) At first no one wanted to help. The receptionist wouldn't give me the time of day, so I just ignored her and walked right into the manager's office and (nicely) asked him to pull some strings. Even then he suggested to me that rather than giving me cash he would give me overdraft (trying to convince me that this is as good as cash!). I told him that I was not there for overdraft, but for my money, and that I don't qualify for overdraft anyway. Looking at the paperwork, and seeing that they have $17,000 of my money, he said "Oh, something must have happened in your past." I LAUGHED out loud at this! "WTF, man, have you been living under a rock?" was all I could think. So, eventually, he did what he could have done from the very beginning, which is to call the company and confirm that the money was there and the check was legit. I think what turned him around was that I threatened to basically camp out at the bank, by telling him that if I didn't get my money I wouldn't have the gas to drive home. I was glad to finally get it, but pissed off that he basically made me beg for it. Just a little power trip they play there.
And I guess that's why, if the dream were real, I still would have helped everyone into the attic, because I know what it's like to be shit on, to be taken advantage of, to be stolen from. And I also know what it's like to feel like you're in danger, on the run, or have your survival threatened in some way (this is assuming you are about to get eaten by a giant nasty dinosaur).
Two of my best friends died this August, which has brought the uncertanty of life crashing down on me. We never know how much time we have. Eric and Lindsay didn't know they were going to die on August 12th, at 33 and 27 years old. But they had a fatal car accident, the other car in the wrong lane. They had stopped to watch a mountain goat cross the road, and were just beginning to take off again. On our way to the funeral, we drove the #1 to the spot where they died. This was hard, and we were all really feeling the loss. We left two beers by the the cross on the side of the road. There were pieces of debris all over the road and in the ditch, spreading 20 feet up the mountainside. I met Eric when I was 20, the same day I met my husband.
And life has been really hard this whole time, in the years I spent fighting off the slings and arrows, the time I spent working for the city, and in dealing with a good friend's death, and the mourning and everything I've learned from it. I have stuggled to overcome these hurdles in my life, and to raise my kids to the best of my ability, and I continue to do so.
At the same time, I am ready to move on, and look to the future and move into it. And so, with my money, I'm going to live for a while and support myself while I work on my own business and become self employed. I'm looking to start something really great, a way of helping other independant people, artists, crafters, musicians as well as providing an opportunity for people to teach others their knowledge or skills. I think there are a lot of skills out there which would otherwise be lost if we don't teach them. And whatever I have to offer, I refuse to live in hiding anymore. I have piles of books full of poems, drawings, stories and journal entries that I have written, and I am going to start sharing them with the world. I'll start here on my blog, and try to post something every day throughout the week. Just a short blurb, and if you want to take ten minutes of your time to stop in here and check out what I'm posting, you are welcome to. Also, please feel free to give your feedback in the comments, as I'd like to hear what you think.
Maybe there is such a thing as sharing too much, and maybe some of my personal power will be lost, but perhaps I will gain something more, a community of people willing to be open and honest with eachother, where people feel free to be their true selves, where people want to help and to teach, and also to learn together. This, to me, is worth far more than whatever is gained by hoarding knowledge and keeping secrets. It just might be that a community based on cooperation and acceptance is enough to shine a little light in an often dark and scary world, one where we sometimes feel that a dinosaur lurking outside could chomp on us at any moment. At least it might be enough to spread a little light within our own circle of influence, and give those people around us the freedom to do the same.
