What is Attachment Parenting? (My response to the TIME cover)

You know that recent TIME magazine cover with the picture of the mom breastfeeding her son?  Ever since the cover went viral, I've been getting these looks.  Cautious, suspicious, curious.  I've been noticing looks from strangers as if to say "Oh, she's one of THOSE moms."  Do I wear a sign that says "I'm an attachment parent!  Feel free to stare"?  Well, at the grocery store, I do normally wrap my seven month old up on my back using a long piece of colored fabric, so I guess that's hard to miss.  But I feel there are a lot of misconceptions out there, so I'd like to clear a few things up.  To begin with, what is attachment parenting, and why would I practice it?

The subject of the TIME article, attachment parenting, is a style covered in Dr. Sears' The Baby Book. In his book, he explains that “the seven Baby B’s (birth bonding, breastfeeding, babywearing, bedding close to baby, belief in baby’s cries, beware of baby trainers, and balance) are starter tools (remember, tools not rules) to help parents and infants get to know each other better. And families can modify these tools to fit their individual family situation.” (Dr. Sears' facebook response toTIME's article) I first heard of attachment parenting right before my second daughter was born, in '06.  Far from being extreme, the ideas just made sense to me.

I went through such a hard start with my first daughter. We had a rough birth and a hard time breastfeeding. We didn't co-sleep, and rather than trying to follow my daughter's cues, I tried to fit her into a feeding schedule, which is (I think) what Dr. Sears means by baby trainers. In short, I wasn't much of an attachment parent-er. Not because I didn't want to be attached to my kid, but because parenting was really hard. My daughter cried a lot as a baby, because I would put her in her crib and try to get her to fall asleep at specific times. I would try to feed her at regular intervals, rather than watching her cues to see when she wanted to nurse. Trying to stick to a schedule caused a lot of frustration for both me and my daughter.

I didn't want to go through those frustrations again, so when I had my second daughter, I did things differently. I tried my hand at attachment parenting. I had a peaceful birth, with plenty of skin to skin contact afterwards. I breastfed her when she made the cue that meant she wanted to nurse. I carried her in a sling, especially when I couldn't find another way to get her to stop crying. I didn't stress nap times, but instead let her fall asleep when ever she got tired. We slept in the same bed, making night nursing sessions easier. To my delight, it worked. My life was easier. My daughter's life was easier. My house was usually quiet and peaceful, no baby crying! No mama crying! ;) So not only did I find that attachment parenting made sense after reading the whys and hows, I tried it and found it worked.

To be specific, I found that it made mom's and baby's lives easier. But in reality, that's not attachment parenting's goal. The goal is to create a secure bond with our children, a relationship that will withstand the hardships that our children may face in life. It has probably become so popular (at least in part), due to so many people of our generation feeling disconnected from our parents and others in our life. Probably because we want to be deeply connected to our loved ones, our family, our children. It's important for all of us to feel loved, listened to, cared for and connected, and we want our children to feel that way, too.

Now I practice attachment parenting with my son, who is seven months old. Although it hasn't always been a picnic, I'm glad to have these practices. I can only imagine how much harder the baby stage would be without them. The thing I love most about AP (attachment parenting), is the closeness I have with the little guy. It really brings out that intoxicating baby love, where you feel like you could just breath in the smell of him all day long. In my experience, it makes for very cuddly babies.But I am hoping that my efforts to practice attachment do more than help the baby stage.  My goal for my kids is to help them reach adulthood feeling secure and confident, able to make good decisions and build strong relationships.  I feel a close knit relationship with parents goes a long way towards helping kids get there.

If Birds Were Humans

I am a mother bird.  My eggs just hatched.  I have three new nestlings, and I am feeling a little overwhelmed because these are my first.  They are looking a little slimy and scrawny, but they are mine, they will grow up to look like me.  They are now squawking and wiggling around and drawing a lot of attention to us.  The other mother birds are starting to stare.  Gosh these kids sure are loud!  I try to quiet them down, but they keep on squawking.  I suppose they are hungry.  The other birds are waiting to watch me feed them.  If I can't feed them like a mother bird should, they will think I am not fit to be a bird.  The squawking is getting louder.  I am so nervous I feel I might puke!  Woah, yuck!  I just puked in my beak a little.  This morning's breakfast of bugs tasted a lot better the first time.  As I open my beak, the slimy little squawkers nearly jump down my throat.  They are eating the bug-puke!  Gross.  So this is motherhood.
My beak is emptied, and the nestlings are quieting down.  I figure after all that hatching, I am in need of a bird bath.  The little birdies are curled up in the nest looking like three little furry balls.  I fly away, I need to clear my head.  That was the strangest thing I've ever done.  I see a puddle with some worms in it, and stop for a snack.  Then I head over to my favorite little bush, which has just gone to seed.  I am famished!  I guess that makes sense, since breakfast didn't go down so well.  But I am feeling more refreshed in no time, and I head back to the nest, thinking maybe I'll get a nap while the birdies are still asleep.
As I approach my nest, I hear a horrible racket.  Oh no!  All three nestlings are crying bloody murder and waving their wings about.  Insanity has set in.  There is no calming them.  I wonder how long they've been doing this, and I look around to see if any of the other mother birds have noticed.  I notice one eyeing me in the tree next door.  She's heard the commotion, and she's giving me that look.  I try putting my wings around the birdies.  I talk softly to them, "It's all right little birds, hush, hush.  I just went for a little fly, I didn't go far."  But it's no use.  If they don't cut it out, some one's going to report me to bird services.  The whole thing is making me feel sick all over again, and, oh there we go.  My snack of worms and seeds is in my beak.  Again the little monsters stick their beaks right in there and gobble the mushy mess right up.  Then, just as suddenly, silence.  They are curled up in the nest again, like there was never any problem in the first place.
So, off I go, to get myself some thing to eat, again.  Down at the puddle I meet my friend, who hatched four birdies last week.  "Did your eggs hatch yet?" she asks.
"Yes, this morning" I answer "they sure take a lot out of you."  I wasn't sure if I was referring to the energy, or the puke.
"I know" she says.  "I found regurgitation too much for me.  I just couldn't handle it."
"That's all I've been doing since they hatched.  But, that's the way it is, I guess.  It's only for a few weeks."
"Oh, I'm already done with that.  I didn't have enough puke to go around, and they were hungry again after twenty minutes."
"I thought that was normal" I pictured my own nestlings, and how they had been so hungry after only ten minutes.  "But what other choice do we have?"
"Oh well, regurgitation is best for nestlings, don't get me wrong, but I just couldn't live like that.  All I did was eat and puke!  I started giving them mashed food from my talons.  It's SO much easier!"
"Really?  Don't they need the bacteria from your intestine to pollinate their intestines?"
"Oh, that's what the regurgitation fanatics say.  They think every mother bird should regurgitate.  But this is the way that is best for me, and my nestlings are coming along just fine.  Besides, in another week, they'll be getting their own food."
As I finish my worms, I think about what my friend said.  I return to my nest, and my birdies are just waking up.  Up comes the puke, a little easier this time.  The nestlings practically inhale it, and go back to sleep.  I was tired, I was hungry, I was wondering if it was really worth it.  Would I have enough puke?  Should I consider this new way of feeding?  I don't want to be called a "regurgitation fanatic", but it seems that, as a species, birds have thrived with regurgitation.
So I fly away to get more food, and I hope maybe I'll meet some birds that do regurgitate.  Maybe they can give me some helpful pointers.  It would probably help just to know that I'm not the only bird out there doing this.  I'm learning that raising nestlings is not easy, and I'd like to have some other birds around.
I return to my nest, thinking about a nap.  The little birdies are still asleep, if only for a moment.  I curl up next to them, and fall asleep.  Soon I can feel them start to stir.  I don't want to wake up just yet, so I quickly regurgitate and open my beak.  Softly, the sleepy little birds take their food and in moments they are asleep again.  As I fall asleep again, I reflect on my new role in life.  Someday, these little birds will leave my nest, but I'm not ready for that just yet.